HELLO MY NAME IS KAY, I AM A 35 YEAR OLD WIDOW AND MOTHER OF 4. IN ALL HONESTY I HAVE NO EXPERIENCE WRITING IN BLOGS, OR ANYTHING OF THE SORT. I RECENTLY SEEN A MOVIE AND IT HAD GIVEN ME THE IDEA TO GET MY STORY OUT THERE. I’M SURE MY STORY IS NO DIFFERENT THEN MILLIONS OF OTHER WOMEN, THE ONLY AREA IN WHICH IT DIFFERS IS MY DESIRE TO TELL MY SIDE. 

I HAVE CHANGED THE NAMES OF EVERYONE INVOLVED

THERE IS A SAYING “THERE IS THREE SIDES TO A STORY, HIS HERS AND THE TRUTH”. HOWEVER, THIS IS NOT A STORY THIS IS MY LIFE, AND THERE ISN’T THREE SIDES THERE ARE ONLY TWO SIDES. AS FAR AS I’M CONCERNED THE TWO SIDES ARE WHATS RIGHT AND WHATS WRONG. THERE IS NO IN BETWEEN.

EVERYTHING THAT I WRITE IS TRUE IN EVERY SENSE, NO OVER DRAMATIZING OR OVER EXAGGERATING. NOTHING ON THIS PAGE HAS OR WILL BE FABRICATED, THESE ARE ACTUAL EXPERIENCES WRITTEN FROM MEMORY.

JUST TO MAKE SURE WE ARE ALL ON THE SAME PAGE, I AM STILL IN THIS ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP. I AM SCARED TO LEAVE, I AM SCARED I WON’T MAKE IT ALONE. I AM SCARED TO LOSE EVERYTHING I HAVE WORKED SO HARD FOR. I AM SCARED TO GO INTO THE SHELTER SYSTEM. I AM SCARED, I FEEL HOPELESS, I FEEL WORTHLESS, I FEEL ASHAMED, I FEEL ALONE. I CAN’T EVEN KILL MYSELF CAUSE BELIEVE ME I HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT IT. 

THE BEST WAY TO GO ABOUT THIS IS TO TELL YOU A LITTLE ABOUT HOW I GOT TO THIS POINT IN MY LIFE.

AROUND MARCH 2018 I FOUND MYSELF WALKING AROUND NYC, JUST TAKING IN THE SIGHTS AND THE FRESH AIR. LITTLE DID I KNOW MY ENTIRE LIFE WAS ABOUT TO CHANGE.  I SAT DOWN ON A PARK BENCH JUST LOOKING UP AT THE SKY. I WOULD OFTEN DO THAT SINCE MY HUSBAND PASSED AWAY IN 2009. DEEP DOWN INSIDE I WONDER IF MY HUSBAND WAS LOOKING DOWN AT ME, AND IF SO WHAT DID HE THINK OF MY LIFE THUS FAR? I WOULD SIT AT THAT PARK AND TALK SILENTLY TO MY HUSBAND, SOUNDS SILLY HUH. 

THIS DAY WOULD BE DIFFERENT THAN ANY OTHER DAY I SAT AT THAT PARK. THIS MAN NAMED ROBERT SAT DOWN NEXT TO ME, HE WAS A FAMILIAR FACE TO ME. HOWEVER, I NEVER REALLY TALKED TO HIM. I WOULD HARDLY CALL HIM AN ACQUAINTANCE. FOR SOME REASON THAT DAY HE ENGAGED IN A CONVERSATION WITH ME AND I RESPONDED WILLINGLY. HE SEEMED HAPPY JUST TO TALK TO ME, EVEN THOUGH I REFUSED TO GIVE HIM MY PHONE NUMBER. 

OVER THE NEXT 6 MONTHS I RAN INTO ROBERT EVERYWHERE. AT THE TIME I DIDN’T FIND IT STRANGE AT ALL. I JUST FIGURED IT WAS A STRIKING COINCIDENCE OR DESTINY. I WASN’T A BIG BELIEVER OF LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT BLAH BLAH BLAH. ROBERT WOULD CASUALLY INSINUATE THESE RANDOM MEETINGS WERE GODS WAY OF SAYING I SHOULD GIVE HIM A SHOT. ROBERT KINDA KNEW HE WASN’T MY TYPE SO HE TRIED TO WIN ME OVER WITH PERSISTENCE. 

IT WAS THE MIDDLE OF JUNE, MY BIRTHDAY WAS COMING UP AND I DECIDED TO DO SOME WINDOW SHOPPING. OF COURSE MY LUCK MY CELL PHONE FALLS OUT OF MY BACK POCKET AS I WAS RUNNING ACROSS THE STREET AND GETS RUN OVER. WELL LONG STORY SHORT I WAS SITTING AT THE PARK AND ROBERT PLOPS DOWN NEXT TO ME AND HANDS ME A METRO PCS BAG. INSIDE THE BAG IS A BRAND NEW PHONE INCLUDING SEVERAL ACCESSORIES. I DID RESPECTFULLY DECLINE THE GIFT, NATURALLY I WASN’T LOOKING AT THE BIGGER PICTURE. AT THE TIME I WAS EXPERIENCING FINANCIAL ISSUES SO I TOOK THE PHONE. 

THE NEXT DAY I WENT DOWN TO METRO PCS AND I FOUND OUT THE PHONE WAS NO MORE THAN $50. SO I SENT ROBERT A TEXT THANKING HIM FOR THE PHONE HOWEVER, I FELT COMPELLED TO GIVE HIM $50 FOR IT. AFTER SEVERAL HOURS OF TEXTING HE AGREED TO TAKE THE MONEY. BUT LATER ON THAT NIGHT I WAS LAYING IN BED AND I STARTED TO READ THE TEXT MESSAGES OVER AGAIN. SOMETHING JUST DIDN’T SIT RIGHT WITH ME. ALL THE SUDDEN THIS ONE MESSAGE LEFT ME WITH A SOUR TASTE. THE MESSAGE SAID “I BOUGHT YOU THE PHONE SO I CAN CALL YOU WHENEVER I WANT”, “THIS IS THE ONLY WAY I COULD GET YOUR NUMBER”. FOR SOME REASON I FELT UNEASY WHEN I RED THOSE MESSAGES. SO I DECIDED NOT TO ANSWER HIS CALLS OR TEXTS FOR A COUPLE DAYS. 

I BELIEVE IT WAS THE 5TH DAY, I WAS WALKING TO THE CORNER STORE AND I NOTICED A VAN FOLLOWING ME. I PULLED MY PHONE OUT OF MY PURSE GETTING READY TO CALL 911 AND ROBERT JUMPS OUT OF THE VAN. HE GRABBED MY ARM AND YANKED THE PHONE OUT OF MY HAND, BRAKING TWO OF MY FINGERS. HE STARTED SCREAMING AT ME “YOU DON’T WANNA ANSWER MY CALLS, BUT I’M SURE YOUR ANSWERING OTHER NIGGAS CALLS, REMEMBER THIS IS MY PHONE REMEMBER WHO BOUGHT IT”. I WATCHED HIM SMASH THE PHONE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET AND I RAN TO THE NEAREST EMERGENCY ROOM. 

I WILL NEVER FORGET THE PAIN I EXPERIENCED WHEN THE ORTHOPEDIC RESET MY FINGERS AND PUT THE CAST ON MY HAND AND FOREARM. THAT WAS THE FIRST INCIDENT THAT LABELED ME AS A VICTIM OF DOMESTIC ABUSE. 

THE EMERGENCY ROOM DOCTORS PUT ME IN A PRIVATE ROOM AND CLOSED THE DOOR.  ABOUT AN HOUR LATER I COULD HEAR ROBERT YELLING MY NAME THROUGHOUT THE ER. SECURITY WAS BEING CALLED OVER THE INTERCOM AND ALL THE SUDDEN I WAS SURROUNDED BY SECURITY, DOCTORS AND POLICE. THEY EXPRESSED THEIR CONCERN FOR MY WELL BEING, THEY SAID HE HAD A LOOK IN HIS EYE THAT WAS ALARMING. HOWEVER, I AM NOT THE TYPE TO MAKE POLICE REPORTS UNLESS THERE WAS A TRUE EMERGENCY. 

I WAS BROUGHT UP TO BELIEVE THAT AN ARGUMENT IS NOT REASON ENOUGH TO CALL 911, EVEN THOUGH MY HAND WAS BROKEN. THE DOCTORS, SECURITY AND POLICE HAD REASON TO BELIEVE ROBERT WOULD HURT ME OR MAYBE EVEN KILL ME. THEY CONTINUED TO DESCRIBE THE BLANK STARE IN HIS EYES. WHICH WAS SOMETHING I HAVE SEEN BEFORE SO THE DESCRIPTION WASN’T NEEDED. WHAT I DID KNOW IS IF THE POLICE GOT INVOLVED THINGS WOULD GET A LOT WORSE ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY RELEASED HIM. I PROMISED THE POLICE TO FILE A REPORT DOWN AT THE STATION, ALL THE ATTENTION AT THE HOSPITAL WAS EMBARRASSING AND I JUST WANTED TO GET OUT OF THERE. 

I WENT DOWN TO THE 33RD PRECINCT AND MET WITH THE SERGEANT ON DUTY. TO MY SURPRISE THEY SEEMED TO KNOW ROBERT VERY WELL, THEY SAID HE HAS BEEN A TROUBLE MAKER FOR YEARS. I AM NO STRANGER TO BROKEN HOMES, I THOUGHT WHO AM I TO JUDGE SOMEONE ON THEIR PAST. I WAS A TROUBLED CHILD AS WELL. I PAID NO MIND TO WHAT THEY WERE TELLING ME. I WAS ALWAYS TOLD “BELIEVE NONE OF WHAT YOU HEAR, AND HALF OF WHAT YOU SEE”. THAT QUOTE HAS WORKED WONDERS FOR ME IN THE PAST. THE SERGEANT TOLD ME I DIDN’T HAVE ENOUGH PROOF TO FILE A REPORT FOR DOMESTIC DISPUTE. HE TOLD ME TO GO BACK TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM AND REQUEST DOCUMENTATION ON THE INJURIES I SUSTAINED DURING THE ARGUMENT. IT HAD ONLY BEEN 2 HOURS SINCE I WAS DISCHARGED FROM THE EMERGENCY ROOM, THE SAME DOCTOR THAT TREATED ME DENIED ME THE DOCUMENTS OF TREATMENT RENDERED. THE DOCTOR EXPLAINED I WOULD HAVE TO GO TO MEDICAL RECORDS DURING BUSINESS HOURS, THE PROCESS COULD TAKE 30 DAYS AT BEST. 

I COULDN’T BELIEVE WHAT I WAS HEARING, HOW WAS FILING A POLICE REPORT SO DIFFICULT. ESPECIALLY WHEN MY LIFE WAS AT JEOPARDY, ACCORDING TO THE DOCTORS, SECURITY AND POLICE MEN THAT TALKED ME INTO FILING THE REPORT TO BEGIN WITH. AS TIME WENT ON I FAILED TO FOLLOW THROUGH WITH THE POLICE REPORT. I BEGAN TO FEEL AS THOUGH I WAS RUNNING IN CIRCLES. INTERVIEW AFTER INTERVIEW AND I WASN’T GETTING ANYWHERE. IT WAS LIKE THE COPS ASSIGNED TO MY CASE HAD SOMETHING BETTER TO DO. THE ATTITUDE FROM THE FEMALE COPS WAS UNBELIEVABLE, I COULDN’T BELIEVE THEY DEALT WITH TRAUMAS. I WAS SO DISCOURAGED BY THE POLICE AND THE SEX CRIMES DIVISION, I NEVER WENT BACK.

NATURALLY THE ARGUMENTS BETWEEN ROBERT AND I DIDN’T STOP. IT BECAME A VICIOUS CYCLE I COULD ALMOST PREDICT HOW HE WOULD ACT. I NOTICED THE MORE I RESISTED THE WORSE THE FIGHTS WOULD BE, SO IF I GAVE IN OR JUST ACTED THE WAY HE WANTED MY DAYS WOULD BE EASIER. I COULD DO THE SMALLEST THING AND I COULD AVOID BEING SCREAMED AT, EMBARRASSED AND THE INTIMIDATION. I LEARNED TO WALK LOOKING DOWN, HE HATES WHEN I MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH PEOPLE. I MUST STARE AT THE WALL WHEN TAKING THE ELEVATOR. CONVERSATIONS WITH STORE CLERKS MUST BE SHORT AND TO THE POINT. NO OVERLY HAPPY LOOKS, SMILES HAND SHAKES OH YEAH AND WATCH THE WAY I WALK. NOT TO FAST NOT TO SLOW AND ALWAYS RIGHT BY HIS SIDE. I LEARNED TO AVOID THE PEOPLE HANDING OUT BUSINESS CARDS OR FLYERS, OMG HE HAS CHASED A FEW DOWN. INSISTING THAT THEY TRIED HANDING ME A PHONE NUMBER OR SMILING A LITTLE TOO MUCH IN MY DIRECTION. HIS JEALOUSY HAS MADE ME FEEL LIME THE PLAGUE. I HAVE OFTEN WAVED PEOPLE AWAY OR GAVE THEM A CRAZY LOOK HOPING THEY WOULDN’T TRY TO TALK TO ME. 

I REALLY HATE GETTING IN TROUBLE WHEN PEOPLE TALK TO ME. HE OFTEN SAYS I MUST GIVE PEOPLE AN INVITING LOOK. OR I TWITCH MY ASS A LITTLE EXTRA, HE SAYS I NEED THE ATTENTION . JUST WALKING DOWN THE STREET HAS BECOME DIFFICULT. GOD FORBID I PHYSICALLY BUMP INTO SOMEBODY OR I SEE SOMEONE I KNOW. HE WOULD GO ON ABOUT IT FOR HOURS AND HOURS. YET, HE COULD HUG AND KISS FEMALES AND I WOULDN’T DARE SAY ANYTHING. 

FOR 15 YEARS I BUILT UP A SMALL BUSINESS COOKING AND CLEANING PRIVATELY. I RECENTLY HAD TO STOP WORKING, I GOT TIRED OF HIM PACING OUT FRONT OF MY CLIENTS HOUSES. THE PHONE CALLS AND TEXTS BECAME TIME CONSUMING. HE WOULD SUGGEST THAT I FACETIME WHILE I WORKED. HOW COULD I CHARGE MY CLIENTS FOR TIME AND SPEND EVERY MINUTE ON THE PHONE EXPLAINING MY EVERY MOVE. ONE CLIENT IN PARTICULAR FELT REAL UNEASY WITH ROBERT, HE ACTUALLY FIRED ME. TURNS OUT ROBERT WENT TO MY CLIENTS HOUSE ONE DAY WHEN I WASN’T THERE AND HE PROCEEDED TO THREATEN THE OLD MAN. SIX MONTHS AFTER THE SITUATION OCCURRED I RAN INTO MY CLIENT IN A STORE AND HE HAD ASKED ME TO PLEASE ASK ROBERT TO STOP FOLLOWING HIM. APPARENTLY ROBERT ENJOYED INTIMIDATING THIS 80 YEAR OLD MAN. ROBERT WOULD RING HIS BELL AND REMIND HIM THAT HE KNOWS WHERE HE LIVES. 

ALL MY MALE CLIENTS WERE OLDER AND MOST OF THEM HAD SOME KIND OF AILMENT. THAT’S HOW I PAID MY BILLS, WORKING FOR PEOPLE WHO COULDN’T CLEAN OR COOK. MEANWHILE I GOT THIS GUY THREATENING EVERYONE I WORK FOR. I DON’T KNOW IF IT WAS TO ISOLATE ME OR TO TRY TO MAKE ME DEPENDENT ON HIM. WHATEVER THE REASON, IT WAS RUINING MY LIFE. LITTLE BY LITTLE I WAS LOSING EVERYTHING AND I COULDN’T UNDERSTAND WHY. ALL I KNEW WAS ROBERT WAS ALWAYS THERE, EVERY TIME I TURNED A CORNER, EVERY BENCH I SAT DOWN ON. SOON PEOPLE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD BEGAN SAYING HE WAS ASKING ABOUT ME OR TELLING PEOPLE NOT TO TALK TO ME OR TO KEEP THERE DISTANCE FROM ME. SLOWLY BUT SURELY THE PEOPLE I HAD AROUND ME STARTED DROPPING LIKE FLY’S. MY PHONE STOPPED RINGING AND I STOP RECEIVING TEXT MESSAGES. HOWEVER, I ALWAYS HAD 50 MISSED CALLED AND 30 TEXT MESSAGES BUT ALL FROM ONE PERSON, ROBERT. HE WOULD CALL HANG UP AND CALL BACK. I COULDN’T TAKE A SHOWER WITHOUT BRING MY PHONE INTO THE BATHROOM. OVER THE COURSE OF 20 MINUTES THE TEXT MESSAGES WOULD BECOME SO VIOLENT, AND IT WAS CONSTANT. JUST USING THE BATHROOM WOULD CAUSE HAVOC IN MY LIFE. 

I KNEW THING WERE GETTING OUT OF HAND BUT I HAD NO INCOME AT THIS POINT. I HAD TO RELY ON ROBERT FOR EVERYTHING, I NEVER HAD A DOLLAR. THAT’S HOW HE WANTED IT. THE DAY MY STATE CHECKS WERE DUE HE WOULD CHECK THE MAILBOX EVERY HOUR. REMINDING ME HOW WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY MONEY TO EAT SO I WOULD HAVE TO CASH THE CHECK AND GIVE IT TO HIM. SINCE HE HAS BEEN PAYING FOR MY FOOD, DRINKS AND CIGARETTES. KEEPING $20 WOULD BE A PROBLEM. I WOULD CASH THE CHECK AND HAND HIM EVERYTHING BUT $20 AND HE WOULD ASK ME TO BUY TOILET PAPER, SOAP, TOOTHPASTE, TAMPONS SHAMPOO AND CONDITIONER THEN I COULD KEEP THE CHANGE. REALLY, HOW GENEROUS! I WAS FORCED TO SHOPLIFT, THE $20 A MONTH ALLOWANCE WAS HARDLY ENOUGH FOR DAILY NECESSITIES, HOW COULD I POSSIBLY PAY FOR ANYTHING. 

I WOULD BORROW MONEY FROM FRIENDS ANYTIME ROBERT HAD AN APPOINTMENT. EVERY SECOND HE WAS GONE I FELT LIKE A KID IN A CANDY STORE. THAT’S AN ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE FEELING WHEN YOU RESENT SOMEONE SO MUCH. WHEN I WOULD HEAR THE KEYS AND SEE THE DOOR KNOB TURN I KNEW TO EXPECT SOMETHING. THEN THE WET DRY CHECKS STARTED, HE WOULD SIT ON MY CHEST PULL MY PANTS DOWN AND INSERT HIS FINGERS INTO MY VAGINA. THAT WAS HIS WAY OF CHECKING TO SEE IF I HAD SEX WHILE HE WAS OUT. I TRIED TO EXPLAIN THAT VAGINAS ARE MOIST ALL THE TIME REGARDLESS OF SEXUAL ACTIVITY. I FELT SO VIOLATED WHEN HE DID THAT, THAT WAS SO WRONG. ROBERT WOULD KEEP SAYING HOW I MAKE HIM ACT LIKE THAT. IT’S MY FAULT HE BEHAVES LIKE THIS. IF I DIDN’T WALK AROUND LIKE SUCH A WHORE SWINGING MY ASS ALL OVER TOWN HE WOULDN’T DO THESE THINGS. 

IN ORDER TO STOP THE WET DRY CHECKS I WOULDN’T LEAVE HIS SIGHT. WE ARE TOGETHER 23 HOURS A DAY, EVERY DAY. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE I NEED HELP. I HAVE NO FAMILY NO FRIENDS NO MONEY NO PHONE AND MOST IMPORTANTLY NO ANSWERS. 

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